​I can’t overstate how dangerous it can be to go off of how you feel without having something or someone to check with. Your mind is very impressionable and without hard facts will think how you are feeling is actually reality.
I’ve given this example before but it happened again to me this week so I think it bears repeating. In the past 9 months or so I’ve lost 35 to 40 pounds, (I bounce around a bit in that range). I’ve decided that I’m happy where I am and don’t really want to put in much more effort to lose more and with that I have a bit more freedom. My personality is all or nothing so if I have a few days where I don’t eat perfect or close, my mind tells me that I’m gaining and I have gone back to where I was. It also doesn’t help that my digestive system is pretty sensitive so if I eat stuff I shouldn’t, my body feels crappy.
Today I didn’t want to get on the scale. I was afraid of reality. My mind was telling me it’s going to be bad and living in I don’t know land is so much better. You know you feel crappy, you know you weren’t perfect so it’s going to be bad.
Now the reasonable side of me knows a few things. First off you don’t gain 40 pounds in a day or even a bad week so how I feel isn’t possibly true. I still feel that way. Second I know that my success actually lies in getting on the scale. Living in I don’t want to know land is why I didn’t lose. I was always too afraid to face reality and so I just didn’t. I would say stuff like I’ll go off how my clothes fit or as long as I work out every day it will be fine. I actually didn’t start making progress until I got on the scale every day. Some days it sucked but it kept me honest and most of all, it kept me from gaining 10 pounds instead of 1. Funny thing actually is that I’m many pounds lighter and still wear a lot of my old clothes. They are just way baggier….but there’s 40 pounds difference. So going off of my clothes has a really large range.
Honestly this post has nothing to do with weight loss but everything to do with your mind is easily influenced and it needs to be grounded in truth. I stepped on the scale this morning and found out I’m at the top range of what I want. Basically I’m in the 35 range when I really would like to be 40 but I’m way within range. My feelings told me that I was way heavier and to give up. I’ve always listened to my feelings before. I always got too afraid of the scale and fear kept me from finding facts.
Your feelings will tell you that life isn’t worth living. I’ve had those days. In those moments it’s honestly how I felt. It’s not fact though because minutes, hours, days or seasons later I’m so thankful that I didn’t stick with how I felt because my life is a gift. If you believe no one wants you, that’s all you’ll see. Your mind wants to back up its thoughts with “evidence”. You need those who love you to tell you the truth. The truth might be that yes, you’ve been a lot lately. Maybe even a pain but I’ve never wished a loved one out of my life and secretly I am always pulling for them to do well no matter how frustrated I am in the moment. I’ve been mad at the people closest to me probably more than anyone else but if those people ever thought for a second that I didn’t want them it would break me.
Make sure that your not buying into the current trend which is because I feel like it I am. That’s how things like suicide happens. You need to align your thoughts with truth and your feelings will follow. Look back on your life at how you felt vs what you know is reality. Do you see where you are thankful that maybe you didn’t go with how you felt?
Feelings aren’t wrong, they are indicators. They tell me how I am doing but shouldn’t be what I am doing. If I am doing bad, the what should be what do I need to do in order for me to feel good again. Not my thoughts and feelings are true and my life is over. Ignoring how you feel is a bad idea too because you are ignoring your indicators. It’s like driving a car with the gas light on. You can either go get gas or run out somewhere. Your choice. The gas light isn’t a bad thing it just shows you where you are at and what options you might need to take to keep going. Emotions are like gas lights.

Last week my youngest started back to school which kind of changes our whole Monday through Friday routine.  I try to swim Monday through Thursday every week and so now my time has changed. With Covid, swimming has been now a coveted thing.  There are only 4 available lanes and as a technicality now, they only want one person per lane.  Pre covid it was common place to ask to share a lane with someone which still isn't the ideal swimming situation but a beggar can't be a chooser.  With the change in time has come change in availability of swimming lanes.  There are 4 men who swim at the exact same time I do except they get there before me so I would be the fifth person....the beggar.  

The last few mornings I show up and sit to see if someone will invite me.  Two different gentlemen have.  Both of them happened to be on the lanes that are closest to the pool wall.  When you swim next to the pool wall, you get the most resistance from the water. Everyone's waves bounce off that wall and back to you.  Both men let me swim but I get the closest to wall.

This morning I got in and started in and within 5 minutes felt like I had been running a marathon.  I couldn't figure out why this mornings swim was so hard.  I realized what position I was in and also when you share a lane you have your wave and theirs.  If you are swimming right behind them it actually is helpful but when you are swimming going separate ways it adds to the resistance.  

I was reminded this morning that often times we think that we are all having the same experience because we are in the same pool.  The guy though that has the middle lanes is having a different experience than I am.  He has resistance too from the water and just by the nature of being in a pool, but the amount between him and I is different.  He also is physically stronger than I am, younger than I am and who knows what other factors are there.  None of this really matters unless he or I are trying to compare water experiences or expectations of what we can do.  If I get in the water and I'm in the position I am in, I can get discouraged.  I can look at everyone else and think why are they faster, better, whatever than me.  I can also be the other guy and think that the guy on the wall is having the exact same experience that I am.

Why does it matter?  It matters because what I think I know.  Just because someone is in the same pool with you doesn't mean that they are having the same experience.  It doesn't mean you know exactly what they are going through.  You definitely have an idea because you are both swimming in the same water so you have the shared experience.  I lose empathy and the ability to see and hear someone when I assume that I know anything.  My job with people is to get understanding in any conversation that I have with them.  It can be as simple as their day.  I am looking to understand how they have been experiencing life, not how I think that they should experience life.  There is a woman named Sarah Schlote that said the definition of attunement is "being seen, being heard, feeling felt, and getting gotten."  I love this as the standard that I have with myself when I am interacting with others.  To truly understand someone they need to know that they are being seen, being heard, feeling felt and getting gotten when they are with me.

The second part of this though is how do I treat myself and also what season am I in?  Sometimes in the pool of life I am in the middle lane.  Totally participating and engaged, it's just easier.  Sometimes I am in the same pool and it's a struggle and the struggle isn't swimming in the pool, it's where I am swimming in the pool.  And just for reference, you should be swimming in different lanes.  You are not always in the same season.  

Right now my swimming life is mirroring my real life.  Let me tell you that when I am in the pool I am looking for any chance to have my own lane and even better, not one next to the wall.  Any chance I get I take that because my goal is to swim 4 days a week.  That is enough of a discipline for me.  Lately though it's been I don't swim or I swim by the wall in a lane with someone else.  I've thought many times of just not going or going at a different time.  The issue is that swimming is part of my way I keep myself in a good place and if I don't go right after I drop my daughter off, often times I don't end up going because the second I walk into work, I now have other things that become important.  I find I miss a lot more if I don't just go the first thing.  I am a person that would rather be in the pool be it not the best swim I've ever had than not get in the pool at all.

Have some grace for yourself in every season you are in.  Your job is to participate in life.  Every time you get in the pool it's a win.

Today I have been thinking a lot about peace. Where can I find it, how did I lose it and what does it really look like or mean?
I have had a battle with anxiety my whole life. It’s a mental health issue for me not just a bad day but I have been completely debilitated by it so peace and I have had our struggles. Mostly my struggle on where to find it. For me peace is probably one the highest value kingdom commodity because of the struggle I have been through to find it and keep it.
There’s different types of what people would describes peace I’m finding. Some of those I believe you can find in the natural but there’s one that can only be found supernaturally.
Peace is found when chaos ends. Ask any mother who’s baby finally decided to sleep and not just sleep but deep sleep. That mom looks at that baby and she knows on the inside of her, for 1 hour or two hours that nothing will bother that child and therefore she finally has a few moments where she finds peace because she knows she can actually rest. This is a form of peace…a good one. There’s environmental peace. Go sit by the ocean, go stand in the woods. There’s something in it that brings peace. It’s not the absence of sound because the ocean is loud. There’s something in the environment that brings our inside to a place of peace.
There’s another type of peace when you are in distress and no answers and somehow, a solution comes up. In that moment your mind and your body rests. It knows that things are lined up again. There’s peace when you’ve been in physical pain and finally it either goes away or you get medical relief. Your body goes from intense stress to release. There’s 100 examples of natural peace.
There’s another type of peace that is supernatural and can only be obtained that way. This type of peace is a person and is a fruit of being aligned with Him. This transcending peace is important because it transcends circumstances. No circumstance actually has to change for me to experience this type of peace which is what makes it supernatural. Each of the other things had something change.
This week while lying in a hospital bed I had many struggles finding peace. We did some natural things, (got me out of pain, breathing, Ativan helped) but I would still lay in bed with this sense of dread. I wanted quiet so much I didn’t turn on a tv for 3 days. I was in a room alone and most of that time I spent just laying quiet. I didn’t read. I didn’t talk. I was just looking for peace and quiet. There were times when even in that I couldn’t find it.
A friend texted me a playlist of healing scriptures and told me that they had been listening to them several times a day and that it really helped. This friend has some serious heath issues they are facing and I figured if it’s helping her, I’ll try it. I took my phone and put it by my head, closed my eyes and played it. A man started speaking healing scripture after scripture and I laid there and listened. Many of them I knew by heart. In that moment, I found Him. Nothing changed in me. My circumstances were the exact same but I was not the same. My spirit connected with Peace and that’s where I found rest and supernatural peace. I found it in a person.
I want to encourage us today. We are in a season where we need supernatural peace. There are situations that people are facing that they won’t find peace without it. You would either have to stick your head in the sand and ignore life or live in torment. There’s just no natural way of overcoming it. There is a supernatural way though.
I’m learning that in this season that peace is a spirit problem fixed by spending time with God. It sounds cliche but it’s not. I’m big on taking care of all three parts, body, soul and spirit and equally and that still applies. What I am saying is in this season if you are having trouble finding peace, start with the spirit. Your spirit needs to be like a heat seeking missile locked on to Him to find and keep your peace. It’s super important right now to do because the peace I get is the peace I can give and extend to others. Right now this world can use a lot of peace.
Here is the link to the scriptures. https://music.apple.com/.../healing-from-on-high/426617915
https://www.bennyhinn.org/hs/

In every season there is a grace for something that comes particularly apparent in that season.  It's like the extra supernatural help that you need to learn sometimes a particularly difficult lesson.  In this season of Covid, there were a lot of things that got put into perspective and a lot of habits that revealed themselves.  It's funny how when things get quiet, what is on the inside of you becomes loud.  It was always there, it just was less noticeable with all the noise  of life.

I love my horse Legend.  If you follow my Facebook, he's probably photoed and talked about more than anything else including my kids.  I am about to have a grandchild so I am thinking that may change a bit.  I have owned Legend a long time.  About nine years.  In nine years time, Legend has learned everything about being a riding horse from me.  I got him as a two year old and put every ride and have had the most interaction with him than any other human.  With that displays the type of relationship that he and I have.  The interesting part about interacting with animals is that you don't speak the same language and you don't have the same value systems so in order to enjoy each others company and communicate effectively, you have to pick up signs of communication.  Over the years if you really want to learn, you start to learn the language of a horse.  It becomes funny though because the body language of a horse isn't much different from the body language of a human.  

For example, when Legend gets a bit nervous he starts to fidget with anything.  He will play with my shirt or asked to be scratched different places.  He will move his feet and just kind of be slightly annoying.  The flip side of this is that he is a very touchy horse.  He's curious and touches everything.  In the past I have wanted him to just stop.  Stop being annoying when we are doing certain things.  Now understand that Legend does not bolt, buck or rear.  He doesn't do anything harmful or outrageous, he just fidgets.   

When I get people into my office to come and talk to me do you know that one of the tell tail signs that they show me when they are thinking about something that is causing anxiety is that they will start to fidget.  They will wring their hands, tap their leg.  Their body will start somehow to be in motion because their mind is not at peace, it is in motion.  The body follows the mind.  

I am taking this opportunity with Legend instead of asking him to stop, to start to say I recognize you are worried about something and I would like to wait until you are ok with what we are doing.  When he becomes ok, he gives me different signs but the best sign is he will get peaceful and present.  His thoughts aren't running anywhere, they are with me and his body is calm.  In the past I have ignored these things first off because I didn't understand what they were communicating.  I kind of thought this is just him and I and there is a element of that.  Like I said, he also is curious and touches lots of things frequently and can be kind of like a kid with ADD.  The other side of that is that I wanted to accomplish something and it was easier to ignore small signs of anxiety than to stop, listen and be present.

Covid has forced us all to stop.  I am not sure that everyone has learned to listen and be present but I am very aware that there is grace for it.  There are seasons of dreaming about where you are going and what is coming next but this season I believe is about learning what really is going on inside of you and learning to be present with it.  It's easy to set aside the small things that bother me or overlook those things in my family or friends, especially when I have a agenda and I am taking over the world so to speak.  This season we've been asked to stay home and stop everything and what I have seen come of it is the equivalent in the horse world from fidgeting like Legend does to full on bucking.  The ugly has come to the surface.  We are heading into a season of new freedom but there is something to be said and learned about getting in tune with myself and with those around me and get present.  I actually don't want to push past my pain or anyone else's.  I want to see it and address it.  I want to sit in places where it hurts and find out why.  I want to watch my friend wring their hands and stop the conversation and say hey, looks like whatever is on your mind is causing some anxiety.  Would you like to talk about that?

I am now lately with Legend having many talks.  When he shows signs of anxiety, I take a step back and say no problem.  I notice that you are anxious, I will wait for you to be ok.  I then wait for him to give me a yes before we go further.  With my relationships I am putting aside my fears and waiting for someone's permission or for them to make a decision.  I am sitting with them in their pain and letting them know it's no problem, I'll wait for you to find some peace.  You don't have to pretend with me and we can both be right here in the moment together.  When you are ready, we can move on together.  Sometimes it means that someone stays in pain longer than I would like but I allow them the choice and I don't push them past it for us to get somewhere.  I've realized that until their mind is quiet, the issue is not settled and it's ok, I can wait.

Being patient and being present go hand in hand.  I have not been great at either.  I am learning to love both.

​I woke up this morning with a familiar feeling and I thought because I’ve had it many times that others may too but in a different way. In the past 6 months I’ve lost 32 pounds and it’s changed my body etc for the good. I’m very happy about it. There are days mentally though where if I went by my thoughts or feelings that I would swear to you that I gained 32 pounds back over night. If I eat the wrong thing my body reacts not in a good way. This feeling has always made me feel like crap. Every time this happens my thoughts will say that I feel like crap therefore I must look like crap and because the feeling is familiar and so are the thoughts I would swear to you that I gained all the weight back over night. It’s the craziest thing. It takes stepping on a scale in the morning to bring me back to truth. Sometimes the scale will say I’m the same, sometimes I’m up a pound. I have yet to gain 32 pounds in one night.
This is kind of a funny way to describe the way our mind works but I’m catching myself. In the past, that feeling would end up becoming a self fulfilling prophecy because while I wouldn’t gain the weight back over night I would eventually gain it back because in the past when I felt that way I wouldn’t step in the scale. I felt like it was better to just avoid the truth than actually see what it was. In avoiding truth, I went on how I felt and if I had enough of those days, I would go back to eating and doing what I was doing and would be back where I was.
There are familiar feelings and familiar spirits that both when not checked in with actual truth will take you off course because they remind you of something that was and that feeling while not enjoyable is familiar. PTSD is a great example of this. PTSD triggers a person by something that happens in the present, a sound, smell, action whatever that reminds you of a traumatic event from the past. Even though that event is not currently happening, your brain reacts like it is and you will see yourself or others have a very strong reaction to something that isn’t actually happening but it was triggered by something familiar that made you mind think it was.
Why is this important? Thoughts and feelings are a dime a dozen. I have thousands of them every day. They change throughout the day. They aren’t necessarily good or bad, they are just information about how I currently feel right now and it’s good information. They are in fact not truth though. This is where you will end up derailing yourself if you are not careful. So fact, this morning I woke up with my body feeling crappy. I’ve felt this way many times and it always triggers not a good feeling in me. Truth…I ate stuff yesterday I shouldn’t have that makes me feel not good. It also inflames my body, makes me retain water and just in general is not a great idea. Truth, I am probably up a pound in water weight today. Truth, I didn’t gain 32 pounds and all I need to do is stay away from that stuff and I’ll go back to feeling great and my inside matching my outside. If you don’t align your thoughts with truth, you end up back where you were because your mind is a terrible decision maker. It takes in information and processes it based on what it has experienced. Just because you have experienced something once doesn’t mean it’s happening again and just because you’ve never experienced something doesn’t mean it exists. Truth is your friend. It can feel like a scary friend but it’s actually your best friend and will keep you on track to where you are headed instead of putting you back to your past. The best part for the Christian is truth is a person. Align yourself there and you will experience the Psalms 23 life where you are lead by peaceful streams and have dinner in the presence of your enemies with no fear. Selah…..